Farmer Veg E. Tarian
Tarian Farms
Dear Mr. Tarian,
With the holiday of Thanksgiving coming soon, it has come to my attention that you are planning on serving me as your dinner. I am composing this letter to ask that you not kill me, fill me with stuffing, and eat me. I think that you should be eating more of the other dishes. I will even provide three reasons for you not to kill me.
First, your wife does not need to be spending a lot of time on the turkey when she has tons of other things that she needs to cook. She needs to spend more time on making the corn and beans delicious. I would hate for her to run out of time and not make your pumpkin pie.
Second, I am not healthy to eat. It was a little chilly outside last night, so I snuck in and turned on your television to watch my beloved channel Food Network. I saw a man conducting a study on how much people overeat on Thanksgiving dinner. He was revealing to us what foods were healthy, and he found that a normal human will eat up to 2000 calories! Why squander your calories on turkey?
Finally, let me remind you that you are in fact a vegetarian. Why would you want to eat meat? Turkeys are all meat.
Thank you for taking the time to read my letter. I hope that you have a Happy Thanksgiving. I would like to catch a plane back to Italy to visit my mom for the Holidays.
Yours Truly,
Pranzo Turkey
